Regular readers will notice I’ve suddenly adopted a pseudonym and made my blog anonymous.
Why? I hear you ask….what happened to the lady who said “I’m not ashamed to stand up and say I was abused” why is she suddenly hiding?
I’m still not ashamed that I was abused.
My husband was not charged with his crimes because, like many women who are abused I retracted my statement. I don’t really know much about libel laws but I have learned enough to realise that by being identifiable in my blog I make my husband identifiable and this limits my options legally in terms of how far and wide I could publish it.
I have had to ask myself what is more important to me. Taking a personal stand against the abuse I was subject to; making it clear who I am and who my ex-husband is; or getting my message out as far and wide as possible and informing and encouraging as many people as possible about abuse. I decided that the latter was more important.
But it’s not only this practical consideration that impacted my decision.
Most people have been very supportive and encouraging about my decision to write this blog but a few people whose opinion I greatly respect have questioned my motivations in writing. Was it to help others or was it to seek justice against my husband? To “out” him as an abuser. It has been pointed out that if I am to move forward I have to leave justice to God.
I prayed about this a lot. I have asked God at every juncture to help me check my motives. Do I only want to raise awareness about abuse or is there a part of me, maybe only a small part, that delights in the idea of my husband’s friends reading this blog and knowing who and what he is? Is there a part of me that hopes that somehow I’ll get some justice against him from this blog? And I do need to be able to leave justice to God if I am to move on and forgive my husband. I need to be able to trust God to deal with whatever he may do to someone else in the future and realise that I have no power or control over this, and no amount of shouting or impassioned writing will make the blindest bit of difference to his ability to manipulate and control another person, nor his willingness to admit he did it to me and my boys. Of course this hasn’t been the motivation for my writing but I have to make sure it stays that way.
By making my blog anonymous I am being true to the vision I have for it. This blog is not about my husband. It’s about my recovery, it’s about my future and it’s also about you….you the rest of society who has to live in this world where domestic abuse remains a dirty little secret. You who needs to know what to do if your friends or family are being abused. You who needs to be able to spot if you’re being abused. You who needs to know that none of us are alone in this battle. I am removing any identifying references to my husband because in doing so I make myself accountable to myself and to you, to keep this blog about hope and only about hope.